MITCH CANNON & NASTY AARON PLAY HARDBALL! Episode Four of “ONE TRICK PONY,” the Web Series by John Rakestraw
ONE TRICK PONY: A Web Series I tried to get it off the ground but never got much done with it… so here it is being put up as a script to be read. I’ll put up an episode every once in a while, as I get them done. I hope you enjoy the show.
Episode One can be found by clicking on the link.
NARRATOR: We see MITCH CANNON, a frail looking guy wearing a 1970’s baby blue tux and an old worn Panama Hat, his business card is a picture of a younger him… in the 1970’s… he avoids mirrors… and dresses and undresses in the dark. At this moment he’s behind a desk watching his laptop computer screen, it sounds like porn. Then a buzzer goes off, which makes him jump and hit his thighs on the underside of the desk top. This in turn make the desk jump and the computer to go flying, along with the rest of the stuff on the desk.
MITCH: Oh for ‘H’ sakes… (Buzzer once again.) All right…
NARRATOR: MITCH pushes on a button to an intercom system on his desk.
MITCH: Who the hell’s there?
JO: (Her voice is heard over the intercom.) It’s me, Mary Jo, you jerk wad… let me in.
NARRATOR: You are reading ONE TRICK PONY by John Rakestraw
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MITCH: Here I’ll buzz you in. (He pushes another button that unlocks the door. In walks JO.) How’s my favorite Private Eye. You got some good news for me. Pictures of cheating wives, husbands playing ball with the boys the wrong way. What can I do for you, Jo?
NARRATOR: Jo pick up the computer and looks at the screen, moves the screen around different ways as she watches the porn.
JO: I think I could do that position…
NARRATOR: Her eyes go wide and then she look disgusted and slams shut the laptop and throws it on the desk.
JO: That last part was just sick. Mitch way do you watch such awful porn.
MITCH: To each his own… you didn’t come here to judge my porn collection, did you?
JO: No I need you advice and help with a legal matter. As a human being you suck… as a lawyer you’re a god.
MITCH: We all play to our strengths. What’s the pickle?
JO: I got a friend who’s—(Buzzer)
MITCH: Crap, what time is it?
JO: 11:12 PM, why?
MITCH: I got a meeting with a guy who isn’t very nice and doesn’t like me having other people here before him… you by chance have your zapper thingy?
JO: My taser… I never leave home without it. I also have a scissor and a glue stick… Why?
MITCH: I get the scissor… but why a glues stick?
JO: Mitch, when you read other people’s mail, which happen to be a crime, you need to reseal the mail. I always carry the glue stick for that purpose. Now why do you need my taser?
MITCH: I don’t need to use it… I may need you to do so. If you could do me the kind favor and jump behind my desk and hide there. But have your zapper thingy ready if it’s needed. He can get rough (Buzzer, buzzer) I don’t want you jumping the gun until I truly need your help. So, if I say zapper thingy… jump up and zap away. Now freakin’ hind. (MITCH pushes a button to unlock the door and let his guest in.)
JO: (From under the desk, screaming like a girl.) Zip up your fly, Mitch.
MITCH: Freakin’ A!!
NARRATOR: Aaron, a burly and mean looking man in a suit walks in.
AARON: Freak A… what? Why is your desk shit all over the floor?
MITCH: Me… I was watching porn on my computer and the buzzer made me jump and I knocked it all to the freakin’ floor. Then I notice my fly was still down. So, I pull it up and caught some of my hairs in it and screamed like a girl.
NARRATOR: MITCH puts out his hand to shake. Aaron puts his hands in his suite jacket.
AARON: I hope you won’t mind if I don’t shake hands with you just now.
NARRATOR: Aaron takes his hand out on his pocket and reaches up to his outside breast pocket and takes the handkerchief out and uses it to move a chair out of the mess on the floor and sits in it.
AARON: Have you got it?
MITCH: Not yet. I’ve had a lot of my people sniffing around, it’s awkward.
AARON: Are you backing out on me, Mitch Cannon?
MITCH: Aaron, I never pull out of a deal with good clients, just as good clients don’t pull out of deals with me.
AARON: You haven’t got long. Wednesday is the only time I can get it done. Any time after that, then my backers are out. They’ve waited some time and need action now.
MITCH And my flight to China is on Sunday, which means I’ll have to sort it all out tomorrow. So, here’s how it will work… I’ll be in Hong Kong by Wednesday. I’ll get to the hotel because of the forty grand from you and I will have the Roman Gold coins and jeweley in my luggage and waiting.
AARON: At that point my backer’s man comes into the hotel carrying identical luggage and sits near you. He puts his bag near your bag, asks you if you’re waiting for a taxi, you say no, and he goes “oh shit, wrong hotel.” He takes your luggage and rushes out the door. We’re done with each other. You will begin to see small deposit in your Paypal account a few weeks later. Can I ask you a question?
AARON: Why do you always dress like a freaking clown?
MITCH: People and other lawyers think that I’m a joke when I dress this way. We meet in the courtroom and I let them have the first day. That way they let down their guard. I come back the next day and shoot them out of the water. All of this is just distraction. It’s worked for twenty-five years so far. Do we need to go over it again?
AARON: My role was never and has never been in question.
MITCH: So you’re saying mine is?
AARON: I heard that you didn’t want go through with it.
MITCH: (unsettled) Who told you that?
AARON: Oh you know, voices.
MITCH: That’s B.S. I’m ready and willing to follow through with this, Aaron. Tell your backers that I’ll be there waiting for their man in Hong Kong.
AARON: Good. I’ll let them know to expect you on Wednesday in Hong Kong. (He gets up and leaves, MITCH hits buzzer for the door. JO comes from out under Mitch’s desk.)
JO: Mitch why the hell are there boxes of pills under your freakin’ desk?
MITCH: My sex life is mostly video porn, but… every once in awhile I need the real thing. I hate hookers and most are my clients. So, I pick up homeless ladies, bring them here and give them some food, a shower and they pay me with sex. They are not… clean. I have a Canadian client who supplies me with antibiotics. I take them like vitamins. They keep me alive and clean.
JO: What’s with the warfarin… isn’t that like rat poison?
MITCH: Yes, but it’s also used as a blood thinner. I had a heart valve replaced years ago and need warfarin. My Canadian client can get me a great price on cases of that stuff. Plus if I have a rat issue, I’m covered.
JO: A rat taking out rats… how poetic. What’s all the shit with that guy Aaron?
MITCH: Yeah, I call him nasty Aaron. I’m trying to learn how to multi-task, being screwed and screwing a client out of forty grand all at the same time.
JO: Who is he and what’s the forty grand for?
MITCH: Roman Gold coins and jewelry … he has a client that wants them, I said I would get them for twenty grand each. Then I found out that they are by themselves worth six figures at least. But if you have both, as a pair, we’re talking over a million. Only problem is that I know where they are, the local museum here in town. I just can’t get ‘em.
JO: Why are you giving them away for only forty grand?
MITCH: I’m not. I’m stringing that nasty Aaron along for the money to get to Hong Kong. Once there I have a buyer for both for over a million dollars.
JO: You need them from the local museum, right?
MITCH: Hell yeah. All I need is someone to get both for me and I will pay real good money for them. With the right people helping me get the stuff from the museum I could be on that Sunday flight to Hong Kong.
JO: The museum I can help you with, but it’s going to cost you twenty grand.
MITCH: Get me the coins and jewelry and the 20 grand is yours.
NARRATOR: We hope to see you next time here on the internet. At johnlrakestraw.com!
You’re reading “ONE TRICK PONY” Episode Four by John Rakestraw.